How do you help a friend with this problem: His girlfriend is a total and complete super-bitch, and he can't/won't get out of the relationship.
For the sake of anonymity, we'll call my friend "Frank". Frank has been in this relationship for a little over a year. Frank is a kind, funny person, but some might say he's a bit of a computer geek, too. Perhaps Frank wouldn't be voted the most eligible bachelor in Jamaica Plain, but I can see why some women would be attracted to him.
Frank's girlfriend, we'll call her "Carol", is... well... a rather nasty person (to put it nicely). When I first met her, she seemed like she wanted to be my best friend. She acted like she was interested in who I was and what I am all about. At that time, we were really just acquaintances. I would see her occasionally; at a party, etc. The first time we met, we actually discovered that we both knew a girl who went to her school (a former employee of mine). I didn't know it at the time, but what came out of Carol's mouth would turn out to completely define the kind of person she is. "Ooh!! I know that bitch! I can't stand her! I HATE HER GUTS!!!" Carol exclaimed... or at least... something to that effect.
A few months later, I started dating someone in Frank and Carol's circle of friends, and I of course started spending more time with this couple. At first, I was simply annoyed by Carol's immaturity. I witnessed her scream at Frank in front of several people at a party for no apparent reason. She also constantly made herself the center of attention, and ordered around Frank and many many other people. "Go get me a beer! NOW!"
Over time, however, I grew very tired of Carol's antics. It angered me to witness how she treated the people around her. I learned that she came from a wealthy family, and that explained a few things to me (spoiled brat syndrome). Then, I started talking back to Carol. For instance, at dinner one night, she ordered our friend to go get her a drink. I piped up, "Carol, why don't you go get it yourself?!" Everyone laughed and cheered. Carol's face turned red. I don't think she was very used to having someone, especially another female, speak to her like that.
Speaking of females, just the other night, there were several of us sitting around the dining room table, getting ready to play some cards, when Carol began telling everyone how she doesn't like or get along with other girls. I was the only other girl there. Don't get me wrong, I don't care or even necessarily want Carol to like me, but generally, social standards require for an exception to be made for present company! Of course that fired me up to get a couple of jabs in later in the evening at her expense.
It appears that she has some kind of territorial instinct against other females! She only feels secure if she's the Queen Bee and surrounded by obedient male drones (does the picture make sense now?). She must know that I am not a threat to steal Frank away from her. It
must be apparent that my boyfriend and I are quite happy together. Even though I can be a little flirty from time to time (especially after a drink or two), I don't think I've ever come close to being flirty with Frank!
Another theory I have is that she may be jealous to see two people in a relationship in which they treat each other with respect. She doesn't understand it and can't manage it herself. Maybe that makes her a little mad.
Carol and my boyfriend frequently butt heads because he is a strong, compassionate, mature person but can also be confrontational when he feels he needs to be. The Queen Bee doesn't know how to handle a non-obedient drone!! I am always impressed by how he is able to stand his ground. If only Frank shared this characteristic.
I also believe that Frank has made one crucial mistake: he and Carol are moving in together (under a 12-month lease) at the end of the summer. She is living with Frank this summer at his apartment, but the big difference is they are currently not under a lease together. I think this will mean that Frank is definitely going to be stuck with this woman for AT LEAST another year. I can't see him growing the balls to A) break up with her or B) break up with her while living in this new apartment with her. As my boyfriend so eloquently puts it, "Her claws are in deep!".
Frank has no balls. You know it the moment you meet him. While he is a fun, nice guy, when you first meet him, he appears to be extremely shy and quiet. What do you do when you care for a friend who is stuck in a bad situation like this? We all know he won't do anything to help himself, and I certainly don't feel like it's mine and anyone else's place to chime in and talk to him about it because here's the
big conundrum: What if he's perfectly
happy being with someone like this? What if they're
meant to be together? What if they are destined to spend the rest of their lives together? I know I know... it's rather unimaginable but anything is possible.
So what happens now?
I suppose we will all spend our summer biting our tongues; waiting for their departure to their new apartment. After that, perhaps we will not be seeing them so frequently. I will try to hope for the best for Frank. I tend to have faith in people... that they will eventually find the right people to surround themselves with and the right places to dwell, thrive and be happy.
