Well Said.

Snorting Tequila in NYC

La Contessa

One of my very first pictures from my first Burning Man in 2003 is of me and several friends posing in front of La Contessa, one of the most creative art cars ever to come to the playa. The La Contessa was built by a group of burners from San Francisco- members and friends of the Extra Action Marching Band. Essentially, she was a Spanish Galliard built upon a school bus and adorned by a figurehead at the front of the ship. Inside, it was a picture of luxury: opulent, with a fancy bar, gilded frames, velvet trim — a cross between a fancy bordello and a captain's stateroom. At night, La Contessa would "sail" around the playa, full of costumed partiers, with Extra Action Marching Band drumming, playing, and dancing. La Contessa was driven by the "blind" captain who needed someone on deck with a walkie talkie to help steer the ship. It was bulky and hard to maneuver. Because of its ginormous size, La Contessa did not return to San Francisco after each Burning Man in the Nevada desert. It was simply too large and difficult to disassemble. In 2003, Joan Grant, a local land owner near the Burning Man site, welcomed La Contessa onto her land to spend the 51, non-Burning Man weeks of the year. At Burning Man 2004, La Contessa was banned from the playa for speeding and other generally unsafe activity.

Rewind to early 2003...

I was living in Houston, Texas. My good friend, Nick, invited me along on a trip to Austin to see a show: the Extra Action Marching Band. I hadn't heard of them before, but Nick convinced me that it was worth driving all the way to Austin to see them. At the time, I was unaware that Extra Action and La Contessa were connected at all. The show was awesome, but short. Imagine a marching band... on heroine. They spread out across the club, intermixed with the crowd, half-naked women danced, and there was quite a tribal or ritualistic atmosphere to their performance. We were talking to some of the band members after the show, and they said they were going to "storm" Emo's (a club further down 6th St) at 2am. Cool! We went out barhopping, and at 2am we headed to Emo's, but there was no Extra Action Marching Band in sight. Damn! What happened? Disheartened, we started to think about going home. The bars were closing, and there was nothing left to do. Just then, we heard the sound of drums. We walked over to see Extra Action starting to play far down an alley. We ran down, we were the first people there. The band played and we danced and frolicked. As other people were leaving the bars, they also were drawn down this alley, and soon there was a huge crowd of people crammed into this alley. Somehow, Robin and I ended up in the middle a circle of band members. We danced as a girl masturbated on top of a dumpster behind us. A memorable experience, to say the least.

Fast Foward to Burning Man 2004...

I searched for La Contessa and Extra Action Marching Band. Somehow, I managed to keep missing them. This was the most exclusive ride in town... aboard the La Contessa with Extra Action. Early one evening, just as the festivities were getting started, I heard the sound of drums coming from a neighboring camp. Extra Action! I jumped onto my playa bike, and rode after the sound. Again, I couldn't find them!! Frustrated from yet another failed attempt, I return to my camp and continued to get ready for my evening out on the town. The next morning, my friend Jim came to me with a horrible story. Just after I had left to go out for the night, Jim ran into Extra Action board La Contessa. he told them how there was this crazy girl from his camp that had been looking for them all week. They told Jim to quickly go find me, and I would be invited to sail with them that night. Jim came back to camp to find me, but I had already left. What heartbreak?! Shortly after that night, La Contessa was permantly docked and was not allowed to sail at Burning Man for safety violations. I had missed my chance.

Fast Foward to Summer 2006...

La Contessa rested on Joan Grant's land, and was looted. The sculpture that had adorned the front of the ship was packed away inside the hull, and was stolen. It is rumored that a picture of the sculpture was spotted on Tribe.net before people knew it had been stolen, and it still has not been recovered. San Francisco artist, Monica Maduro, asks that the sculpture be returned... no questions asked because it is the last remaining piece of La Contessa.

Joan Grant sold her land to her neighbor and local real estate tycoon, Mike Stewart; although she retained a lifelong lease of her ranch home, a provision she believed also applied to the art pieces she stored within sight of her home. Stewart is one of the biggest property owners in the region. In addition to possessing land and water rights that would be lucrative in any development project, he owns Orient Farms, Empire Farms, and a four-megawatt geothermal power plant.Stewart did not share the same passion for the Burning Man festival as Grant. In fact, Stewart led a legal and regulatory battle against Burning Man in 2003, trying unsuccessfully to shut down the Ranch and thus kill the event.

On December 5, 2006, without informing anyone of his intent, Stewart set fire to La Contessa and had the charred remains hauled away.

"My understanding was it was OK to park it there. But I guess he had it burned down," Grant told the SF Bay Guardian. "As far as I'm concerned, it was arson."

Burning Man spokesperson Marian Goodell said that Stewart never contacted the organization to request removal of La Contessa, and that if he had, it would have facilitated the piece's removal from the property. "We were surprised to hear about the fire, absolutely shocked," Goodell said.

Many people in the immediate area, including local residents and Burning Man organizers, find it hard to believe that Stewart's actions were not malicious in nature. A legal battle is ongoing, but it appears that there will not be criminal charges brought against Stewart.

In February 2007, Extra Action Marching Band and others from the San Francisco community held a viking funeral for La Contessa. Hundreds came to pay their respects and say their final goodbyes to this wonderful piece of Burning Man history.

Krypton Katy and Liquid Lauren Go To Marblehead

It twas a hot, stick, dirty day at Mad Science. After a long day of packing and moving boxes (and several spider bites), we were feeling pretty darn yucky.

"I want to go to the beach after work and go swimming." Liquid Lauren said.

"Wow!! That's an AWESOME idea!" Krypton Katy replied.

"You want to come?" asked Liquid Lauren. Krypton Katy paused and thought. Anything going on after work? Anything I have to do?

"Hell yeah! I'm in!" exclaimed Krypton Katy.

We had some logistical things to figure out, but by the time 4:30pm came along, we had everything set. Lauren already had her bathing suit in the car, but mine was at my house. She followed from Belmont down to Jamaica Plain where I quickly got changed into my bathing suit. By the time we hit the road for Marblehead, it was close to 5:30pm. We realized quickly, that the air temperature had majorly cooled down since we originally decided to go to the beach, but we came up with a great solution. We "hotboxed" the car. No no no, you degenerate! Not that kind of hotboxing. We kept the windows up, the air off, and we turned the Volvo into a sauna. We were sweating in there before too long!

The traffic on I-93 was the pits. Red brake lights as far as we could see.

"These poor people," Liquid Lauren said. "They're not driving off to do something cool like us. They're probably doing something boring... like going home from work." Eventually, we cleared the highway traffic only to get stuck in the quagmire that is the town of Salem.



Then we saw something amazing. Right there in Salem was... and I kid you not... "Bunghole Liquors". Bunghole Liquors????? Think about it... Bunghole, of course, is obvious enough. But the "liquor" part? Get the pun? Yeah, it took Lauren a moment, too. It made me think of Stephanie Miller's references to "Beaver Liquors" in Beaver Dam, Wisconsin. They must make a killing on t-shirt sales.

Anyway... we FINALLY made it to the beach in Marblehead (after 1 1/2 hours in the car). It was overcast, foggy, and 60 degrees, but we were NOT going to concede defeat! No way! We're fucking Liquid Lauren and Krypton Katy, damn it?!

We quickly stripped off our clothing, ran as fast as we could into the ocean, dunked our heads under the salty sea water, and got right the fuck out.

What a moment?! What a glorious moment?! Life doesn't get much better or more satisfying than that.

With wide smiles on our faces, we returned to Jamaica Plain. We kept chattering back and forth about how we could improve our after work beach trips in the future.

"I'm going to keep my bathing suit and a towel in my car all the time now." I said. "I'll drive next time."

Happy Aphelion!!!

You learned it in school, astronomers say it all the time, it's The Truth: "Earth circles the Sun." Well... almost.

Earth does go around the Sun, but not in a circle. Earth's orbit is an ellipse, a lopsided curve with one end closer to the Sun than the other. On July 7, 2007, our planet is at the distant end--a point astronomers call "aphelion." This puts us farther from the Sun than we are at any other time of year. All planets in our solar system travel around the Sun in elliptical orbits. It's Kepler's 1st Law. The eccentricity of Earth's orbit is 1.7%. In January when we're closest to the Sun (perihelion), the distance is 147.5 million km. In July we're 152.6 million km away--a five million kilometer difference.

A distant sun means less sunlight for our planet. Averaged over the globe, sunlight falling on Earth at aphelion is about 7% less intense than it is at perihelion.

Then why is it so warm outside?

Seasonal weather patterns are shaped primarily by the 23.5 degree tilt of our planet's spin axis, not by aphelion or perihelion. During northern summer the north pole is tilted toward the Sun. The Sun climbs high in the sky, and days are long. That's what makes July so hot.
But there's more to the story: the average temperature of the whole earth at aphelion is about 4 degrees higher than it is at perihelion. Our planet is actually warmer when we're farther from the Sun. Strange but true.

This happens because continents and oceans aren't distributed evenly around the globe. There's more land in the northern hemisphere and more water in the south. During the month of July the land-crowded northern half of our planet is tilted toward the Sun. Earth's temperature is slightly higher in July because the Sun is shining down on all that land, which heats up rather easily.

Physicists would say that continents have low heat capacity. Consider the desert. At night the desert is cold, perhaps only 60 F. When the Sun rises in the morning the temperature might jump to 100 F or more." Such mercurial behavior is characteristic of materials like rocks and soil with low heat capacity. It doesn't take much sunlight to substantially elevate their temperature.
Water is different. It has high heat capacity. Let's say you went sailing off Malibu Beach at noon. The offshore temperature might be 75 F -- pretty pleasant! What happens after sunset? The temperature drops, but only a few degrees because the heat capacity of the ocean is so high.
All this explains why July is our planet's warmest month: Northern continents baked by the aphelion Sun elevate the average temperature of the entire globe. January, on the other hand, is the coolest month because that's when our planet presents its water-dominated hemisphere to the Sun. We're closer to the Sun in January, but the extra sunlight gets spread throughout the oceans. Southern summer in January (perihelion) is therefore cooler than northern summer in July (aphelion).

If you're feeling baked, take a hint from the watery southern hemisphere. Locate the nearest swimming pool and dive in; feel the water's high heat capacity. A little physics can be refreshing ....

yuk yuk yuk...

Q: How does a banana answer the phone?

A: "Yellow?!"

Q: Why did the Italians lose the war?

A: Because they used ziti instead of shells!

Q: How do you stop a charging elephant?

A: You take away his credit cards!

Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors?

A: Because if it had four doors, it would be a sedan.

Q: What did the teddy bear say when he was offered dessert?

A: No thanks. I'm stuffed.

Q: Why did the hotdog turn down the movie part?

A: Because the roll wasn't big enough!

Q: What do you call 400 bunnies hopping backwards together?

A: A receding hare line!

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?

A: To show the squirrel it was even possible!

Q: Why does the traffic light turn red?

A: You would turn red too if you had to change in the middle of the street!

Q: Why did the man go out with a prune?

A: Because he couldn't find a date!

Q: What do you get when you cross a Grandma and an octopus?

A: I don't know, but it sure can play bingo!

Q: What did the tie say to the hat?

A: You go on ahead. I'll hang around.

Q: What did Snow White say as she waited for her photos to develop?

A: Someday my prints will come!

Q: What did the duck say when she bought lipstick?

A: Put it on my bill!

Q: What did Winnnie the Pooh say to his agent?

A: SHOW ME THE HONEEEEEEYYYY!!!!

Q: Why is it easy for little yellow chicks to talk?

A: Because talk is cheep!

Q: What happens to frogs when they park illegally?

A: They get toad.

Q: How was the Roman Empire Cut in half?

A: With a pair of Caesars!

Q: Who was bigger? Mr. Bigger or his son?

A: His son. (He was a little bigger!)

A lady, carrying her baby, got on a bus one day. The bus driver looked at the lady, and then her baby, and then yelled, "AHHH! That's the UGLIEST baby I have ever seen! YUCK!" The woman, completely shocked, stomped to the back of the bus and sat down. A man sitting nearby noticed that the woman was shaken up. "Excuse me, miss. Are you okay?" he asked. "No! I am not! That horrible bus driver just completely insulted me!" The man replied, "Well that's just not right. I think you should march back up to the front of the bus and give that bus driver a piece of your mind. I can watch your monkey for you."

Q: Why was the broom late for broom school?

A: Because he over swept!

Q: What kinds of ant is good at math?

A: An account-Ant!

Q: What goes zzub zzub zzub?

A: A bee flying backwards.

Q: Why did the snail paint a big "S" on the side of his car?

A: So people would see him drive by and say, "Look at that S car go!"

Two atoms were walking down the street together one day, having a jolly ol' time, when they accidentally bumped into each other. "Stop!" yelled one of the atoms. "Hold everything! I've lost an electron!" the second atom said, "Are you sure you lost it?" The first atom replied, "Yes! I'm positive!"

Q: What do you get when you cross and elephant with a skin doctor?

A: A pacadermatologist!

Q: How do you know if there's an elephant under your bed?

A: Your nose is pressed up against the ceiling!

Q: Why don't they serve chocolate in prison?

A: Because it makes people break out!

Q: What did the mama cookie say when her baby got run over?

A: Oh crumbs.

A little girl goes to see the doctor. She's got a pea in one nostril, a grape in the other nostril, and a string bean stuck in her ear. She says to the doctor, "I don't feel so good, Doctor!" The doctor replies, "The problem is clear to me! You're not eating right!"

Q: How do bees get around the city?

A: They take the buzz.

Q: Why was the bee's hair sticky?

A: Because he used a honey comb!

Q: What do you get when you cross poison ivy and a four-leaf clover?

A: A rash of good luck.

Q: Why did Cinderella get cut from the basketball team?

A: Because she ran away from the ball!