Cats being shot by lasers.

The title says it all.

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A cat with some fashion sense.

The secret life of a cat left at home with an xmas tree

Our cat, our Xmas tree, & time-lapse from Griffin Hammond on Vimeo.

Luke Chueh's INFERNO. Abandon all hope ye who enter here.

MAP OF THE INFERNO



INTRODUCTION (August 2009)

The idea to illustrate Dante's Inferno came to me about eight years ago, when I still lived in San Luis Obispo. At the time, I tragically found myself in a situation that familiarized me with Bob "The Price is Right" Barker's clothing line, (and if you don't know what I'm talking about, lets hope that you never learn). Anyway's, this "situation", coupled with an idea I was playing around called "Paintings for Children" where I paired cute childish characters with corrupt adult themes (inspired by the Joe Camel Cigarette controversy) helped me conceive the idea of taking "Dante's Inferno" and giving it the "Paintings for Children" treatment. But after doing a bit of research, I quickly realized that I didn't have the skills to effectively execute this rather complicated and at times abstract narrative. Even now, after painting full time for over five years, I'm honestly still not sure if I have the skills to do the poem justice.

The Inferno's artistic legacy is huge; Botticelli, Doré, Dali, Rauschenberg, and countless lesser known artists have created works inspired by the poem. It has inspired a movie (acted out by paper puppets) and even became a video game. Most artists seem to stay true to the poem, focusing on "the poets" Dante, his guide Virgil, and Inferno's diverse cast of demons and damned. Rauschenberg approached Inferno by creating a painting for each of the 36 cantos. As for me, I've decided to remove Dante and Virgil, and instead create a painting for each ring of hell, with the exception of Rings Seven (a triptych - 3 paintings) and Eight (a deciptych - 10 paintings). I wanted to compose each painting in a way that illustrates what a "normal day in hell" would be like. In order for me to accomplish this, I had to take some personal liberties with certain details within the "Inferno," but I did my best to stay as true to the text as I could.

Anyone who has read "Inferno" can tell you, this story is as crazy as it is confusing, and for the show, I published a guide that explained exactly what the hell was going on, why the painting is the way it is, and why I chose to do what I've done. The accompanying text for each painting was what I had written in the guide.

Inferno was hosted by Gallery 1988, and opened on September 9th, 2009 (9/9/9). If you're interested in any of these paintings, please contact Gallery 1988 for availability.


Enjoy.
Luke Chueh

INFERNO RING 1: UPPER HELL: LIMBO - JUDGEMENT

In Dante Aligheri's "Inferno", Ring One was also named "Limbo", and it housed those whom he called the "Virtuous Pagans". It was a place dedicated to those who lived "good" lives, but didn't have Jesus in their hearts (Aligheri was a devout Catholic). These "virtuous pagans" weren't necessarily being punished, but were forced to exist without the presence, or love, of god.

Personally, I felt that Ring One was redundant. There's already a place called "purgatory" (which is basically the same idea), and on top of that, pagans and heretics were cast into Ring Six. So I decided to make Ring One the ring of "judgement". However, Minos, doesn't actually make an appearance till Dante and Virgil make their way into the Second Ring. However, upon further inspection, and after studying a map of the Inferno Aligheri included with the text, Minos actually does reside in the First Ring.

Minos' job is to render judgement on the damned and deciding which Ring they're cursed to occupy. This decision is based on whatever sin you've committed to earn you a place down in the Inferno.

INFERNO RING 2: THE CARNAL - LUST

Ring 2 was dedicated to the "Carnal"; those who betrayed "reason" and succumbed to their sexual appetites. In Dante's second ring, the carnal are cast into a storm/whirlwind/tempest where they have no control over themselves or their environment.

After thinking about it for a while, I felt that the punishment meted out in Dante's Recond Ring were too mild and abstract. I felt that if I stuck with this whirlwind of carnality, the end results wouldn't make sense as a painting. And so I decided to reinterpret some of Aligheri's ideas within this Second Ring.

I started by stringing up these "carnal" souls like marrionettes to strip them of their ability to control themselves or their environment. I then decided a perfect punishment would be to force to them to fuck each other, the tragedy being that they derive no pleasure from these sexual acts. This would explain their blank, passionless expressions.

Rabbits were chosen to represent "The Carnal" because popular culture has labeled them as being notorious fornicators. I also decided to paint some of these rabbits pink to suggest femininity. This is important because I was afraid if I kept all the rabbits white, the activities illustrated might accidentally suggest homosexual sex. Homosexuality isn't addressed until Dante's Seventh Ring.

INFERNO RING 3: UPPER HELL: THE GLUTTONOUS

Alighieri reserved the third ring of hell for the glutinous. Immersed in an endless sea of trash, residents of the third ring are tortured/managed by the three-headed hellhound of Greek mythology, Cerberus.
I think my decision to use pigs to represent the glutinous is fairly obvious. Meanwhile the idea to make Cerberus a three-headed wolf was inspired by the classic relationship between the beasts (The Three Little Pigs).

INFERNO RING 4: UPPER HELL: HOARDERS & WASTERS - GREED

Like Atlas, condemned to carrying the Earth on his shoulders, Dante's "Hoarders/Wasters" are forced to forever carry that which they coveted. Meanwhile, Plutus, the Greek God of wealth keeps watch.
When I think of the word "Hoarder", the edacious "pack-rat" comes to mind. The pairing of Plutus with Moneki Neko, the Japanese cat of luck and wealth, truly is an association made for hell.

INFERNO RING 5: UPPER HELL: THE RIVER STYX -THE WRATHFUL

Alighieri basically categorized sin into three severities: Incontinence, Violence/Bestiality (aka "Sins of the Lion"), and Fraud/Malice (aka "Sins of the Leopard"). The first four rings are reserved for the Incontinent, while the other two categories are housed in the "City of Dis".
The River Styx serves as an actual barrier between Upper Hell (Rings One through Four) and this City of Dis / Lower Hell (Rings Five through Nine).

The Fifth Ring houses "the Wrathful", those who are consumed by their anger. These angry souls are essentially stuck in the River Styx and cursed to ruthlessly tear each other apart for eternity.

I chose to use the senseless conflict between cats and dogs to illustrate the wrathful, and considering how the animals actually react when immersed in water, I thought the pairing was perfect.

INFERNO RING 6: LOWER HELL: CITY OF DIS - HERETICS

Dante's Sixth Ring held those who committed the sin of heresy. A devout Catholic, "The Divine Comedy" was inspired by the teachings of the Bible, and as one would expect, Dante's Sixth Ring is filled with non-Catholics.

Personally, I was raised Catholic too, but sometime around my teens, I found myself questioning my faith and then completely rejecting it. Since then, I've rediscovered my own version of spirituality, but I don't think I can ever return to the rigidity of an organized religion. Considering my current take on faith and spirituality, I truly believe all organized religions have it wrong. And so all organized religions essentially practice "heresy", and are therefore "heretics". This is why I've tried to include a member of all the major (and some not so major) religions in my version of the Sixth Ring.

The religions I've chosen to illustrate are:
The Ancient Egyptian Religion, Judaism, Hinduism, Buddhism, Voodoo, Islam,
Christianity, and The Ancient Roman Religion

In Dante's Inferno, Dante & Virgil are harassed by Medusa, and the Three Infernal Furies of Roman mythology. I chose to make these Furies the Sixth Rings caretakers.

By "Heretic" Dante means specifically those who denied themselves immortality by denying gods "love" (ie. Jesus). Their punishment is an eternal grave in the "fiery morgue of God's wrath". Though these graves are currently open, they are to be sealed come Judgment Day. The use of monkeys can be seen as a bit of a commentary concerning my feelings for organized religion. At the same time, they can be seen as a nod to my "Monkeys with Hats" series.

INFERNO RING 7 (OUTER): LOWER HELL: CITY OF DIS - PHLEGETHON - VIOLENCE AGAINST MAN

When we think of "war mongers", I'm willing to predict that your immediate thoughts go toward the military, soldiers, generals, etc. But if you take a second to think about it, you'll quickly realize that the root of war isn't about those who fight these battles. Rather, it’s the politicians who instigate these conflicts. The most recent Iraq War was very much George W. Bush's, while Desert Storm was George Bush Sr's.

When I think of politics, I think of Americas two major political parties: The Republicans (whose mascot is the Elephant) and the Democrats (whose mascot is the Donkey)

Alighieri chose to immerse his warmongers in the Phlegethon, a boiling river of blood (the blood being sourced from the sinners victims). So, for this section of hell, I chose to stock the Phlegethon with Elephants and Donkeys.

INFERNO RING 7 (MIDDLE): LOWER HELL: CITY OF DIS - FOREST OF SUICIDES - VIOLENCE AGAINST SELF

"The Forest of Suicides"
Those who commit the sin of suicide are reincarnated in the Inferno as a tree in the "Forest of Suicides".

Unique among the dead, the suicides will not be bodily resurrected, having given away their original bodies through suicide.

I chose deer for the Forest due to the branch like appearance of their antlers. The suicidal quality of the "deer in the headlights" reaction also makes them the ideal fodder for my Forest of Suicides

INFERNO RING 7 (INNER): LOWER HELL: CITY OF DIS - THE BURNING PLAINS - VIOLENCE AGAINST GOD

"The Burning Plains"
Dante's Blasphemers and Sodomites are cursed to reside in a desert of flaming sand while fire rains down from the sky.
When considering the ideal metaphor as a resident of this section of hell, folklore suggests that the fox is a tricky, untrustworthy, creature. The color pink is often associated with femininity and homosexuality. Therefore a pink fox is the perfect blasphemous sodomite.

INFERNO RING 8: LOWER HELL: CITY OF DIS - MALEBOLGE - BOLGIA 1 - PANDERERS & SEDUCERS

Panderers (pimps) and seducers march, while whipped by demons. Just as they misled others in life, they are driven to march by demons for all eternity.

INFERNO RING 8: LOWER HELL: CITY OF DIS - MALEBOLGE - BOLGIA 2 - FLATTERERS

Flatterers are steeped in human excrement. This is because their flatteries on earth were nothing but "a load of excrement".

INFERNO RING 8: LOWER HELL: CITY OF DIS - MALEBOLGE - BOLGIA 3 - SIMONIACS

Those who committed simony (the making of profit out of sacred/religious things) are placed headfirst in holes in the ground, with flames burning on the soles of their feet (resembling an inverted baptism).

INFERNO RING 8: LOWER HELL: CITY OF DIS - MALEBOLGE - BOLGIA 4 - FORTUNE TELLERS AND DIVINERS

Sorcerers and false prophets have their heads twisted around on their bodies backward. This is symbolic because these people tried to see into the future by forbidden means (and possibly retribution for the delusions they concocted that probably led their followers to their own perils); thus in Hell they can only see what is behind them and cannot see forward

INFERNO RING 8: LOWER HELL: CITY OF DIS - MALEBOLGE - BOLGIA 5 - GRAFTERS

Corrupt politicians (barraters) are immersed in boiling pitch, which represents the sticky fingers and dark secrets of their corrupt deals.

INFERNO RING 8: LOWER HELL: CITY OF DIS - MALEBOLGE - BOLGIA 6 - HYPOCRITES

Hypocrites listlessly walk along wearing gilded lead cloaks. Gold on the outside, lead on the inside, the association should be obvious.

INFERNO RING 8: LOWER HELL: CITY OF DIS - MALEBOLGE - BOLGIA 7 - THIEVES

Thieves are pursued and bitten by snakes and lizards. Alighieri considers thievery to be "reptilian in its secrecy", this is why they are eaten away by reptiles

INFERNO RING 8: LOWER HELL: CITY OF DIS - MALEBOLGE - BOLGIA 8 - CORRUPT COUNSELORS

Fraudulent Advisors / Corrupt Conselors are encased in flames. Classic "Hell Fire".

INFERNO RING 8: LOWER HELL: CITY OF DIS - MALEBOLGE - BOLGIA 9 - SOWERS OF DISCORD

A sword-wielding demon hacks at the sowers of discord. As they make their rounds the wounds heal, only to have the demon tear apart their bodies again.

INFERNO RING 8: LOWER HELL: CITY OF DIS - MALEBOLGE - BOLGIA 10 - FALSIFIERS

Here various sorts of falsifiers (alchemists, counterfeiters, perjurers, and impersonators), who are a disease on society, are themselves afflicted with different types of diseases.

INFERNO RING 9: LOWER HELL: CITY OF DIS - COCYTUS - THE TREACHEROUS

Dante considered the act of treason to be the most horrendous sin of all. The ninth ring features Cocytus, a frozen lake, where traitors are encased in the ice at varying depths, ranging from neck deep to complete immersion. Satan, Christendom’s ultimate evil, is housed in the center of this lake for committing the ultimate act of treason: treachery against God.

(The following description was taken from Wikipedia.) Alighieri's Satan has three faces, one red, one black, and one a pale yellow, each having a mouth that chews on a prominent traitor. Satan is represented as a giant, terrifying beast, weeping tears from his six eyes, which mix with the blood and puss of the traitors he's gnawing on. He is waist deep in ice, and beats his six wings as if trying to escape, but the icy wind that emanates only further ensures his imprisonment (as well as that of the others in the ring).

The sinners in the mouths of Satan are Brutus and Cassius in the left and right mouths, respectively. They were involved in the assassination of Julius Caesar—an act which, to Dante, represented the destruction of a unified Italy and the killing of the man who was divinely appointed to govern the world.

In the central, most vicious mouth is Judas Iscariot, the betrayer of Jesus. Judas is being administered the most horrifying torture of the three traitors, his head in the mouth of Satan, and his back being forever skinned by Satan's claws.

This version of Satan is, in my eyes, totally crazy. The finished illustration would end up being a joke no one would find funny. For instance, "Cassius" and "Brutus"? Outside of Shakespeare's "Julius Ceasar", I can't imagine anybody in this day and age caring.

Considering the idea that this interpretation of the Inferno is really my own, I decided to insert myself as the ruler of this domain. In other words, I thought it would be a humorous twist if the roll of "Satan", (ruler of hell), was filled by yours truly.

Of course I still did my best to stay true to the rest of the details from the text. The Satanic version of myself is still imprisoned in the frozen waters of lake Cocytus, I'm still gnawing on Judas Iscariot. Judas' blue and beige robes are based on the colors Leonardo Da Vinci chose for him in "The Last Supper". Also, the knife in Judas' hand is another item I added to help identify the treacherous desciple.

Finally, I chose to have my bears dispersed throughout Cocytus because, like the 8th Ring, the idea and act of "treachery" is also something I regularly explore in my paintings.

Orange Cat Can't Jump

Cat Fails At Short Jump - Watch more Funny Videos

Mike the Cat doesn't put up with this kind of nonsense.

A different take on Oprah...

Tweety gets revenge.

So cute that I threw up in my mouth a little bit.

The music really ties this whole concept together.

Not even 50 Cent can stare down this cat.

This octopus is a mean drunk.

If yer happy and you know it, clap yer hands!

It's stomp your feet, you motherfuckers!

Monday's coming! HIDE!!!!

hide yo kids, hide yo wife

SN-OMG!!!!

Whoops. No football in Minnesota for a while.

A winter's day.

Hank? What's it like to be in love?

Oh yes, Salsa Dog

Dance, you dog, DANCE!

Robot Chicken Law & Order

They are really getting out of control with these spin-offs.

Snakes on a Plane on a Cat

I'm tired of these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane on this motherfucking cat!

Snuggie for Dogs

Ummm... well I thought the fur was FOR something, but I guess I'm wrong.

Patty-Cake Cats

...with a much-needed voice over.

160 Greatest Arnold Schwarzenegger Quotes

I am ashamed to say that I usually turn up my nose at most viral videos longer than 4 minutes, but this one coming in at a whopping 10 minutes is truly worth it.

Slippery Floor + Cat = Comedy

I thlipped!

How to wrap a cat for Christmas

As we celebrate Thanksgiving, we must also look forward to the next food-fest, Christmas. Here's an instructional video to help prepare.

COOKIE MONSTER WIN

WKUK- How the signing of the Declaration of Independence REALLY went down. NSFW

Maru and the Box- Classic

SNL Digital Short: LASER CATS

Fantastic James Cameron tribute.

Keyboard Gato de Mexico!

Lay off the tequila, hombre!

Keyboard Cat Remix

Keyboard cat really gets down in this one.

Kittens Inspired by Kittens!

This is one of the classics. A MUST WATCH.

CATCERTO

cat

Co-worker kitteh making the rest of us look bad with his work ethic.

Meowzernaut

Ground control to Major Kitteh.

REJECTED

The scariest four words in the English language: MY ANUS IS BLEEDING!!

Marcel the Shell with Shoes On

This video needs not an introduction.

MARCEL THE SHELL WITH SHOES ON from Dean Fleischer-Camp on Vimeo.

Keyboard Cat NEW SINGLE!

Holy Fuck- Red Lights

I started watching for the cats, but I stuck around for the awesome music.

Inception

I'm a big fan of the Inception Trailer spoofs. Here are three of the best, IMHO.

Inception by Pixar from Ibrahim Nergiz on Vimeo.

Viral Video Film School does Stunt Cats

Misery Bear- Dawn of the Ted

Zombie Teddy Bears are scarier than you think!

Blue Hill Ave Fun Times!!

I apologize for neglecting my blog for over a week! In addition to having some extra-curricular distractions last week, I had absolutely no desire to go out to enumerate. I felt somewhat depressed at the thought of knocking on doors so I just completely blew it off. Knowing that I was waaay below where I needed to be in terms of hours and completed work, I jumped at the chance to work over the weekend. Our Crew Leader, Ron, had the idea that we go out as a group with a few binders that hadn't been touched yet, and bang out a bunch of EQs. Cool! I'm in! We met at Forest Hills at 10:45am on Saturday to take the bus over to... Blue Hill Avenue. If you're not familiar with that part of Boston... well, you're probably better off. It has the reputation of being one of the worst areas of Boston. We were counting right where Mattapan and Roxbury meet. As soon as we got off the bus at Blue Hill Ave and Morton Street, we all noticed how much trash there was all over the place. We walked past a group of teenage girls on the sidewalk, and one of them had just bought some make-up- she was opening up the packaging and was casually letting the plastic and cardboard fall to the ground. I was tempted to stop and say something, but I had the good sense to just keep walking.

It was a beautiful day, and we really lucked out there. We split up a bunch of the assignments, and I set off with Sarah- a high school senior who had gone through training with me. So, I don't know if I would call it a revelation, but as bad as this neighborhood was, we still found really nice people who were welcoming and helpful- after the initial "WHO DAT?" when we'd knock on the door. I found that people there were much more defensive when they'd first come to the door- often demanding an introduction before they would open the door. Only about three quarters of the occupants who opened their doors knew what the census was, so I got really good really fast at the super short description of what the census is and why it's important. "We need to count all of the people in the country so we know how many schools we need and other things like that." That worked really well.

The other amazing thing about this neighborhood was how crammed in people were. We'd visit an apartment building with units that I would think could hold 4-6 people comfortably, but we'd consistently find out that there are 8 or 10 or even 14 people living in one apartment! There would always be lots of cousins, and cousins' kids and cousins' girlfriends. Frequently, the respondents wouldn't know the first and last names of everyone that was living there!

We went into one apartment building in which we found dried blood and cigarette ash all over the stairwell. Surprisingly, that particular apartment building housed some of the nicest people we met all day. I was invited into a couple of apartments (by women), and I felt completely safe to do so. I met a lot of kids that day, too, and I gave them all animal stickers.

We decided to go back to the same neighborhood on Sunday- again the weather was really nice, but as I was leaving the house Sunday afternoon, I really really didn't want to go back. I forced myself to because I knew that I would feel awful if I didn't get up and go. There was no excuse for me not to. We waited until the afternoon on Sunday because we knew lots of people would be out at church in the morning, but man did we pick the wrong time to go over there... it was Haitian-American Day, and there was a big parade down Blue Hill Avenue! It was really cool to see everyone out, waving flags, playing loud music, etc, but it made our job impossible because most people were out of the house. We only worked for about 90 minutes before giving up to watch the parade.

I managed to get out again tonight... in the rain. I'm trying to get my last few down so I can grab another set of assignments from Ron- hopefully I can grab those by Thursday or Friday of this week. Then, all I have to do is get those finished and that should be it for the census gig.

Dookie and Cox?

Well, that was definitely the most entertaining daily meeting I've been to yet!

I don't know if I've described our daily meetings yet, but we meet our crew leader, Ron, daily in a park in our neighborhood to turn in timesheets and completed EQs. It's a really nice spot, and I love my commute because I get to cut through the wooded section of the Forest Hills Cemetery to get there. Perfect! Well today, we were joined by another enumerator I hadn't met yet. He's got a block over off of Blue Hill Avenue.

When he pulled out his timesheets and completed EQs, I could tell instantly that they were all jacked up. Check marks instead of Xs, horrible lowercase handwriting (we're supposed to write in very specific uppercase lettering), and lots and lots of missing information. Ron handed off his pile of EQs to the crew leader assistant to check, and yes... there were more mistakes than correct entries. Boxes not checked, whole sections skipped, Male and Female options BOTH checked for EVERY member of one household... you name it, it was wrong.

Meanwhile, while his EQs were being reviewed, Ron was going over his timesheets. Again, everything about them was totally jacked. "So I see here that you worked 8 hours yesterday, and you're claiming 23 miles for mileage??" Reply, "Yeah, people don't want to answer their doors so I just circle around the block a whole lot." What? This guy was apparently just circling the block over and over again- and mind you- it's not a big block at all. From what I could tell, he was averaging .5 questionnaires per hour (we're supposed to average 1.2 or greater). When asked about entire sections being skipped, he said that he skipped them because the interview was taking so long! Really, everything about everything here was simply comical.

I kept glancing at Ron to see how he was reacting, but he was keeping as cool as a cucumber. I had a really hard time getting a read on him while he was having this conversation. As they came to the end of the conversation (which took almost an hour), Ron told him to leave his binder and all of his EQs with him until Sunday. Aha! You're finished, d-bag. After the guy left, the first thing that Ron said was, "W...T...F." We all started laughing at the absurdity we had just witnessed.

Ron will have to take this situation to his boss, and I hope he doesn't catch any shit for this. That guy had been running around for almost a week doing this bullshit so they could possibly come down on Ron for letting him run free like that for that long. Also, Ron hadn't conducted his observation on him, and he really should have within the first few days of field work. I'm going to keep my fingers crossed for him.

Just as I was getting ready to leave, Ron said, "It's as if he just made up all of the information he put on those forms!" As he said that, I glanced at one of them and pointed out, "Well, look at that... the last names of the people of this household are Dookie and Cox! What do you think?" ...and we all ROFLed".

Wicked good evening

I had a ton of luck enumerating tonight. It was a perfect evening, so I met a bunch of people outside of their homes doing yard work, etc. I'm finding people to be really friendly so that's nice. There used to be the sweetest elderly man on the street, and everyone on Tower Street knew who he was because he was so friendly, and he used to shuffle up and down the street soooooo slowly. He would always stop, though, and say hello or comment on the weather. I was worried about him because I hadn't seen him in an awfully long time. I interviewed one of his immediate neighbors tonight who informed me that his daughter had taken him away. Place an X in Vacant. Sad face.

More LCO Bull

Someone from the local office called this morning at 10:45am to ask me to come to the office before noon to fill out a new hire form that they said I never completed. However, as soon as I saw it, I remembered that not only had I filled one out the first day of training, I ALSO filled one out the evening of my original application testing! I asked the HR lady to check my file to MAKE SURE there was nothing else that was missing. It sounded like they wouldn't be able to pay me on the current payroll if I didn't sign that form by noon.

This was the second time they called me in to the office to fix something that I was not at fault for. Thank goodness I have an understanding and flexible boss! These two snafus took three hours of my time at the conservatory during the busiest time of the year. If I don't get paid or if they call me again for another reason, I will not be a happy camper.

First night out!

I apologize for leaving you hanging for a couple of days. It's super busy jury time at my regular job. I have barely had a chance to get to the bathroom let alone spend time blogging! After today or tomorrow, action at the conservatory is going to completely die down. Then, it's almost 4 months of complete nothingness!!

I decided not to work Sunday. The weather was really nice so I spent the day with friends. Unfortunately, not working Sunday means that I will have to really work hard to get my 18-20 hours in by Saturday. I pulled out my Tower Street assignments, and I hit the pavement last night! I'm finding that you really have to have a good system for juggling all of the materials. I spent a decent amount of time organizing myself before heading out. I grabbed a big subdivided file folder to help keep things separated.

I was pretty dismayed at the number of apartments that no one answered at. I left at lot of "NVs" (Notice of Visits) taped to doors. I finally got to conduct first my first REAL interview right at the end of the evening. Hooray! It was quite the pleasant evening, too. I met a couple of neighbors I hadn't met before, and I ran into all sorts of friends as I conducted my work.

I'm going to my first district meeting tonight in the park on Wachusett. Those meetings will be occurring daily going forward. Weather may be a factor tonight for work- there is a hefty line of thunderstorms coming in from Western Mass right now. Yikes! I had better not get those EQs wet!

It Is What It Is. *sigh*

Where to begin for today. Our training ended the same way it started: being yelled at by angry women. Before I explain that, let me back up to address another issue which defined our training. Basically, all of the information we received having to do with our actual field work was pretty straight forward. Follow the script, follow the process exactly, most answers to complex issues can be found in your manual, bring special circumstances to your crew leader. Fine. The BIG problems had to do with clerical admin issues- especially how to fill out our timesheets. Also, the plan for training (location, length, order of modules, etc) changed on a daily basis- if not hourly. That, I totally get. Our trainers actually did an excellent job thinking on their feet. For basically "winging it", they were awesome.

I GET that this is new territory for everyone. I GET that it's been 10 years since the last census. It's all good! I don't expect it to go totally smoothly, but for crying out loud... SOMEONE PLEASE TAKE CONTROL OF THE LOCAL OFFICE!!! It's a complete shit show over there, and I've had that impression from the get-go. How this effected all of us is this: every single day, we were given different instructions for how to fill out our timesheets. Every person gave a different set of instructions, and when we said that someone told us to do something else, they would usually reply, "Forget that... do it this way." Okay, we're flexible. We'll do it your way. The problem was that it kept happening! Even today a whole bunch of us (including me) received rejected timesheets back because we had followed the instructions given to us on that particular day, but someone in the mean time decided they wanted timesheets a different way! We were understandably frustrated by this process by today- especially when these people started to tell us that we could be written up for incorrectly filling out timesheets!! THEN they said that every FOS (Field Operation Supervisor) wanted the people under them to fill out timesheets their own way, and we should ask our crew leaders how we should do it within our own district! Are you kidding me? It seems to me that one simple thing could have solved this whole issue: whoever is the fancy pants operations supervisor for our local office, Boston South, should have given out a specific set of instructions to the people under them, and so on and so on until it we down on the bottom got the same message. It seems ludicrous to me that different enumerators within the same local area would fill out timesheets differently, because the same folks over at the LCO are entering in our pay.

AGAIN... if only I ruled the world.

I haven't even mentioned that these timesheets are not complex in any way shape or form. While not every person in that training class was the sharpest crayon in the box, if we had only been given one set of instructions on day one that didn't change, there would be no problems by now!!

Okay. Back to this afternoon. Now, I have to be careful about what I say on this particular topic because the person that this concerns literally threatened us. Yes. She threatened that if we reported her for what she told us, she would find out who we are and "find us". She would find us in the database and "hunt us down". Yes, these were her words. She said this after giving us some legally-questionable advice regarding how to log time on our timesheets... the details aren't too important. She basically stood up in front of all us, told us how to fraudulently fill out our timesheets and then threatened us if we tell on her. This was AFTER she spent 20 minutes of our time (on the clock) yelling at us like we were children, "instructing" us how to appropriately fill out our timesheets. I. Was. Livid. You should have been there to get the full effect. It was incredibly offensive- the way she spoke to us. She was trying to address a particular question, and instead of answering it in an effective way, she spent 20 minutes telling to make sure we include our middle initial in the middle initial box... make sure you spell out your whole name, crap like that! It was the LEAST PROFESSIONAL behavior I witnessed all week. I did the math: Assuming there were 60 people in the room, that we each earn $22.75/hour, and that this particular lecture took 20 minutes: this jerk face wasted $450.50 of YOUR tax money. All of this, again, was before she threatened us.

The other crappy part of this story is that the other guy leading this particular session today originally said that we would spend the time she hijacked going over some admin policy issues and the certification test we took. We didn't get to do any of that. Tempers really started to flare today while all of this was going on. One of the highlights was when crazy sweatpants lady raised her hand, and in front of everyone went on a HUGE tirade about this whole process. "I AM APPALLED AT OUR FEDERAL GOVERNMENT" she started. She went off- it was great. "WHAT ABOUT ALL THE VIRGIN FORESTS??? IS THIS RECYCLED PAPER???" Totally the best part of the day.

Sigh. Arlene (one of the great training presenters) said it best, "The unofficial motto at the Census is It Is What It Is!" So true, Arlene. So true.

The rest of the day went much more smoothly. After the debacle that was our last day of training, our district crew went out to work the field in a group. We went to several houses on Tower Street, Weld Hill and Hyde Park Ave. I was the only one out of the four of us who did not have a chance to conduct an interview. I'm sure I will tomorrow, though. I have 33 assignments to work on so I plan to jump right in tomorrow. Again, I'm pretty psyched about our district. Our crew leader and crew leader assistant are cool, and I adore the three other enumerators I've met. I really couldn't be happier with the people I will interface with daily. In that, I really lucked out.

Okay... more to talk about later. I really don't mean to be so down on our local area office. I understand the challenges here. I am flexible, and I'm happy to go with the flow. I suppose it all makes for a good story, so that's what I'm trying to tell here. At the end of the day, it's just the census. No one is going to die (well... maybe... if they redraw congressional districts and then the congressmen then pass legislation... haha jk).

But seriously... whatever. It is what it is.

Almost there!

So we're almost there! There's very little left in terms of training modules for the NRFU training. I feel very confident with the whole process, and I'm ready to get out there! Tomorrow, we've got another module or two with the trainers and an open book test to take. The test is a big joke on many levels. Firstly, the test is in the back of our training workbooks, and we were directed to look at it ahead of time. Secondly, the questions are not hard at all. Thirdly, it can't possibly mean jack because we all basically have had an untimed, open book test of easy questions. Whatever.

Around 2pm tomorrow, we actually start knocking on doors! We met our crew leaders tonight. Our guy is Ron, and he lives right around the corner. I think we really lucked out with him. He seems to be capable, yet cool. He's exactly the kind of manager I would be. He's going to hold our daily meetings in the park up at the end of Weld Hill- that's pretty cool! I plan to cut through the cemetery to get there. :)

One of the coolest things about training is that on the first night, I chose a spot at a table, and out of 60 or so people, 2 guys came to sit right near me. We chatted a bit on Monday, and it turned out that we all live practically next to each other. I jokingly commented on Monday that all of the cool Forest Hills people just gravitate to each other. It must be true! Both of them have grown to be friends over the course of the week. I think I mentioned in an earlier post that I was hoping to make a friend or two! Also, these two new friends and I ended up in the same district group so we have the same crew leader, and we'll see each other regularly.

Eventually, each enumerator is assigned their own binder which contains their NRFU assignments. Ron only had two binders when we met him today, so tomorrow we're going out in teams of two for our first "live" work. I was assigned one of the binders, and my new buddy James and I will go enumerate with that binder together. It contains many assignments in my immediate area: Tower Street, Woodlawn, Hyde Park Ave, etc. Our district area goes all the way east to Blue Hill Ave and all the way north to Seaver Street- it's a relatively huge area because it also contains the Forest Hills Cemetery and Franklin Park. I'm not really looking forward to enumerating in some of the neighborhoods in our district, but I probably won't have to much around Blue Hill Ave- there are other people on our team that live there.

I'm happy that the training is almost over- it was definitely a long week. I'm glad that I've made some friends, and I'm ready to get out in the field. I'll let you know how it goes!

NRFU? Oh no you di'nt! NERF-U!

First day of for-reals training today. I enjoyed it so much more than yesterday although other people didn't agree with me. The girl next to me kept sighing and yawning audibly throughout the evening. We covered the basics of what our materials will be and how to fill the EQ (Enumerator Questionnaire... they have a thing for acronyms) in the most simple situation. Our trainers were really nice, and they didn't yell at us like the ladies yesterday so that made the night more pleasurable.

So my official job is NRFU (pronounced Nerf-You) for Non Response Follow Up, and I started to get excited about the job once I got a good mental image of what I'll be doing... finding the locations, interviewing the occupants, etc.

They also told us today that they are still looking for more Crew Leader Assistants, and they will choose some from our group of 60 or so people. I hope they will consider me- especially because they originally called me to be a crew leader in the first place! When I mentioned that the girl sitting next to me, she said, "Whoa! You must have done REALLY good on the test!" Well yeah... I'm reasonably sure I got every question on the test right. I'm not being cocky! It was easy! Can you alphabetize? Yes! Can you read a map? Yes! Can you arrange dates chronologically? Hell yeah!

Day Three is tomorrow. I plan to sit in the front again, raise my hand and enjoy myself.

Wear shoes you can run in.

I just got home from my first night of training. It was a complete zoo. There were 80 people there! For some reason, they didn't anticipate that the evening training session would be so popular... someone actually said that. If you are looking for people who can work during the evenings and on weekends, it seems to me that the PRIMARY trainings should be nights and weekends, right? If only I ruled the world.

Today was the admin day, and we spent five hours filling out forms and being fingerprinted- although at 9pm, half of the 80 still hadn't been fingerprinted and had to stay. They were lucky in way- they got to stay on the clock (at $22.75/hour) while waiting around.

We received badges (no photos... we wrote our names on them) and black shoulder bags with our materials. We also were given a basic safety lecture, and I wonder if we'll receive a more extensive safety training later. The women talked about wearing seat belts, not putting your face right up to a dog's face, locking sensitive documents away, and oh yes... we were told to wear shoes we can run in. That was a highlight. It's good advice, though... if you're walking around the city in any case!

Tomorrow we start more regular training, and on Friday we'll meet our Crew Leaders (man, I wish I could have trained for that position). I wonder how much melt there will be as the week goes on.

Pre-training Update

I'm starting to feel like the Boston South Recruiting office isn't managed very well. When I was signed up for the night training a few weeks back, the girl said I would receive a confirmation phone call before the training. As of 2:30 today, I hadn't received that call so I called the recruitment office. When I said that I wanted to confirm the location, the woman said that I received a phone call from my crew leader this weekend... which I didn't. I was put on hold for several minutes, and when she came back, she didn't know what training I was in. I had to tell her I was in the night training that starts at 4pm today! She was abrupt and not very helpful. Sigh. I hope this wasn't a mistake. I don't really want to work for the organization if it is poorly managed. Wish me luck!

I'm the Enumerator

Census training starts on Monday. 4-9pm Monday-Friday and then all day on Saturday. It's quite extensive! I was hired as an "Enumerator", but let me explain a little about how I got here.

The local census office was conducting testing sessions at the school I work at, and when I heard about these sessions, I thought it might be a neat experience. Why not get involved with something that is so important for the country? Maybe I'll learn a thing or two about my community. The bonus is that is pays pretty well! I've got some big travel plans for the summer, and I could sure use the cash for the trip and gear. They require you to work at least 20 hours per week, so I will be forced to log lots of time. Many people have been intrigued about this particular escapade of mine, so I decided to blog about it!

To apply for the census job, you first have to take a 30 minute test which determines whether or not you can alphabetize, read a map, do simple math, etc. It was pretty easy- if you have half a brain. There was a brief introduction that spoke in very general terms about the available positions, but we didn't really receive many details. After the testing session, I didn't hear anything from the office for about month. I was first offered a crew leader position... management... sweet! Unfortunately, that position required me to attend a four day training during the week. I couldn't attend because I didn't want to take the time off from work- even though I could have. They put my application back in the pool, and I didn't hear from them again for a couple of weeks.

When they called again, they offered me the enumerator position for $22.75/hour (and I think that was the exact same hourly rate as the crew leader if I'm remembering right). Again, they asked if I could attend a four day training, and I said no. My heart sank a second time, but then she said there was an alternate training in the evenings from 4-9pm Monday-Friday and all day on Saturday. Sign me up!! I'll have to leave work early all week, but it'll be okay.

I'm looking forward to the training- I hope they make it bearable. Maybe I'll make some new friends. I'm sure I'll find out all sorts of information about what my job actually is and how to do it. We'll be fingerprinted on Monday. I guess that means I can't commit any crimes from here on out. Also, I'll officially be a federal employee! That's wicked hot.

So here we go. I'll update this blog as I go through training and start the actual work. Thanks for reading!